School... stress... degree

So, it has been 5 months since I attended college.
I begin my last 3 semesters of classes, in 19 days on June 4th.
 This is very bittersweet to me.
In 18 days, June 3rd, my sweet baby boy was due to be born.
I'm not supposed to be starting school to finish two summer semesters, a fall semester and graduate.
 I'm supposed to be losing sleep at night in anticipation of meeting the other half of my world.
 I am happy to be finally almost done with a degree, 7 years after graduating high school... but at the same time, I desperately wish I wasn't. I wish that the feeling of only wanting a degree wasn't so far away, and now didn't take form as stress and dread in my life instead.
If I had my way, I'd have my sweet baby boy and a degree ... I don't care if I would've had to wait 10 years... he would've been worth it!
I'll start this summer semester though with the goal of graduating and working to help those who need it most.  This has been my goal for so many years and I can't wait to achieve it.

Vent

You know, life sure is funny. It seems that when you think your life is going good and steady, something always happens. You have a good job, all your bills are getting paid, and something breaks on your car, or your kids get sick and you have to miss work. Or like in my case, I was married, living an ok life, pregnant with my 2nd little boy, when Wham!, all of it was over.  Just like that. All of it is now a memory.  One that replays everyday in my head. It's so very hard not to look at what used to be and the way things are now and not be angry. Although my husband, whom I had known and been with for the past 5 years, is about 8 years older than me , he apparently never learned how to behave like an adult. He never learned how not to be spiteful and ugly to someone who loves you. Regardless of what anyone may say, or how badly I may have been treated, he was my husband and I loved him. I would've done anything for him and oftentimes did. I changed who I was for him, limited who I talked to and even began shutting my family and friends out of my life, just to keep him happy.  I hate knowing that the way I felt about him wasn't reciprocated. I hate knowing that just to hurt me and pack the biggest blow possible, he's trying everything he can to break me down. What's crazy to me is I never did a thing to deserve all of this. We got married. I cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, even when I felt something was wrong with my pregnancy.  Then, for 3 long, pain staking weeks I layed in a hospital bed, unable to get up, trying to save his son and this is what I get. How screwed up is that? How screwed up is it that my 'lovely' husband, who had been married before just quietly filed divorce proceedings with his ex wives and was through.  For me, he starts a war. I'm not sure what made me so special ... hope he has fun though doing this. Hope he really enjoys his new love too. I'd hate to hold him back from such.  I'm tired of being nice. I'm tired of being walked on. So glad that chapter of my life is over. 

I'll wait patiently for this war to end and when it does I'm having a party to celebrate my new life, my life where I'm allowed to be happy. I can't wait!

Jessica

Thoughtful Thursday

Today is Thursday... 

The day here lately that I reflect upon my life and the good things in it.  My neighbor recently gave us their trampoline because their granddaughter was too big for it. Payton and my niece love it!  We spent most of the afternoon outside watering their sunflower garden, our vegetable garden and of course jumping, jumping, jumping!

Here are a few of my favorite pictures of them jumping

 Payton showing off his tricks :)

 Adleigh wanted me to hold her hand while Payton bounced us

Payton loves spinning like a top!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have you tried jumping on a trampoline holding onto 2 kids? :)

It's SO MUCH FUN!!!

 Adleigh loves jumping while she holds onto my hands <3

I love those babies!!

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for my son Payton and the joy he brings to my life.

Payton and I have spent the past hour outside playing in the dirt... digging & throwing it into the wind and seeing where it blows.

I love that little man & wouldn't trade my life for anything!

Payton was hanging off my knee... he looked sooo funny... i'm not sure what he had under his nose but he looked so funny I couldn't help but laugh!!



This was our dig site. :)  Payton kept saying we were digging for Gold!!





He's so funny... he wants horns I think <3



Momma and Payton after digging a while

It was such a great day to hang out in the lawn chair and enjoy my little boy!

My noise with dirt on it, otherwise known as sweet little boy. =D

Fun in the Sun

Today I took my son and niece to play at the park. 

I thought I would share a few of my favorite pics.

The kids had a blast!

Payton had so much fun swingin' in the sunshine!

                                                                   

Ha, Payton loves having his picture taken...and asked me to snap one real quick... Adleigh thought she'd crawl in too! :)   I love them!!



My sweet niece Adleigh swingin'

We went for a nice walk around the park together <3

my  "baby bear" as I call her

We had lots of fun today, and when we were done walking all around the park... I took the kids to Sonic for slushies.

Life is Good!

Dallas Tornado hit me

Yesterday I spent most of the day watching storms develop and ravage towns on the Weather Channel.  These storms "hit" me hard emotionally.  Since my son has passed away the well-being of others has began to mean even more to me than it did before.  I cannot express the load of negative emotions I felt yesterday as I watched a huge tornado live rip through Dallas.  I watched moment by moment this tornado destroy people's homes and cars.. all these people know.  Now, their reality has changed... much like mine did.. only in a different situation.  I had goosebumps all over.  It was very hard for me to see my new friends who live in Dallas post on their facebooks about how they were terrified their home would be next... how they had just tried to take cover from those vicious storms.. and then the aftermath... homes destroyed.. whole neighborhoods destroyed.  Every single story brought tears to my eyes. 

This is an example of the homes destroyed beyond recognition in Dallas.

The first tornado to hit was in a Dallas suburb called Lancaster.  I watched as it sucked up these big truck trailers and tossed them hundreds of feet... it is only by the Grace of God that no one was killed or injured. My dad drives a big truck... luckily he doesn't drive for this company and was not in this area... but him driving a truck makes this a little more personal.  I hope that no one was in these trucks in the yard or in their cars in the parking lot.  I would have been beside myself if I was watching the company my dad worked for get demolished by such a beast of a storm.

Once the storm cleared this is what the Schneider Freight Yard looked like:

It is relatively funny to me how in one instant one's perspective can change.  Before yesterday I thought I was in a pretty bad situation.. it has been almost 2 months since I lost my sweet baby boy.  2 months since I held him, kissed him and almost 2 months since his funeral.  However, these people just lost their homes, their livelihood... now I don't feel so bad... I would say in this moment, these people have it worse than I do.  I still have a home to go to.  I still have the luxury of driving my car... thousands of people now don't have this. 

The residents of Dallas and the surrounding areas are now possibly worrying about where they will stay in the coming days and weeks... worrying about how to pay for repairs to their homes... worrying about how they will pay for somewhere to stay and food to feed their children... possibly their infants.  I can't imagine being in a situation like this.

My thoughts and prayers are with each of you who are victims of this storm.    I am so very grateful that up to this point there have been no injuries or deaths reported.  Our Lord is mighty and awesome!

Have a Wonderful Wednesday!

It's my birthday

Today is my birthday... I am another year older and wiser. :)

Soooo...

To me !

I am so grateful to have such a great family to spend it with.. along with many good friends.  I have a great life, despite the heartache and tragedy of late. 

Thank you all for being so awesome!

Love you ! <3