My opinion of CMT's Sweet Home Alabama

This is a clip of the show Sweet Home Alabama on CMT

    For the past several weeks I have faithfully watched the "Reality" dating show on CMT called Sweet Home Alabama, featuring Paige Duke and 22 men all vying for her love.  I can honestly say I have never been one that is big on watching reality TV or one to care about  what happens to the individuals on these shows because they volunteered to be on the show. 

     However, this show was different... I found myself liking Paige and caring who she chose to date.  I think I am one of thousands who wanted to throw something at the TV last night when she chose someone other than "Bubba", a hometown cowboy from Alabama. I literally turned my television off after Jeremiah was chosen and couldn't watch Paige tell Bubba that she hadn't picked him.. couldn't see the look of disappointment on his face.  Of course, the first thing I did after that was get on my Facebook to see what the reaction from my friends to the finale was... we were all in shock.  Paige broke Bubba's heart... I understand that none of us here in East Texas or across the country have ever met him.  It just seems to me as if maybe she led him on just a tad... if she had no intention of ever picking him... why tell him you could spend everyday for the rest of your life working his cows?  Why comment on how much room he has in his closets for your boots? As most of you know, I don't sleep well at night and pondered all of these things as I lie in bed last night.  Then I began wondering, what makes this show or any of it's cast members that important to me that I am losing sleep?  These people are total strangers and I shouldn't care.  It's almost as if while I sat here on my couch every Friday night religiously at 8pm watching this show progress that I have met these people and want only the best for them.  It doesn't matter that these people are on TV, these people have real lives, and real hearts and they are still adversely affected... only with the whole world watching.  I cannot imagine how that feels.  I cannot imagine being any of the contestants eliminated, but especially Bubba and having to keep a happy face for the three months it took in between the final taping of the show until last night ... pretending to be ok and not seem like your heart had been broken so you wouldn't give away the ending to the show.  Where does America draw the line between entertainment and people's lives? Where do we recognize that these are people's lives and they are important and shouldn't be played upon just for ratings? Now, some may say that if Paige and Bubba were to have met in a normal setting and  Paige chose to date another person she still would've broken his heart... well that may be. But at least he wouldn't have had the whole world watching his every move... or people telling him how much they loved him, wanted him to marry her, and then get the biggest disappointment of his life broadcast to the entire nation.

     Maybe I have an unfair bias towards sweet handsome southern cowboys who know how to treat a lady... But, I for one would've gladly picked Bubba... and wouldn't have ever thought twice about it.

    I cannot judge a person for how they feel towards another and if Paige truly does love Jeremiah, despite how he behaved on TV, I can't blame her for picking him.  That just means there is one more super sweet respectful cowboy to love a great lady.  Every person deserves someone who will love them unconditionally, truly want them to be happy and be willing to do anything for them.  Maybe it takes truly having your heart broken to understand this.

    That's all the ranting I have for now on Tv shows.  I don't think I'll be watching CMT's new show Southern Nights.  I've seen my fair share of drama in my own life and on Sweet Home Alabama this season, that I don't care to see a bunch of adults be relatively immature and behave like high-schoolers.

So MUCH Anger..

I have been so busy mourning the loss of my son that I haven't had time to be angry over my situation as a whole... the way my husband treated me while we were married... the fact he filed for divorce while I was still in the hospital trying to save our son.  It seems to be hitting me all at once now.  There are several songs that tell more than I ever could about how I feel about him.

I really do pray most days he gets hit in the head with something...  no person should have to call the police on their spouse from their hospital room...

He was emotionally abusive and is just a stupid boy... a very sorry excuse for a man.

I don't have any respect for someone who tries to defy the law.. and for someone who has no respect for his wife or his child.  No man I've ever met would leave their wife all alone in the hospital.. no man would think his wife selfish for trying to save their child's life.. no  man would think their child was better off in Heaven.  No man I know would tell his wife not to come home and nothing else when she tells them their child had passed away.. no man I know who is any excuse for a man would pick the day after their child passed away to text his wife to tell her he'd filed for divorce..  It's very sad to me because I feel guilty for Jake.  I feel like Jake deserves or deserved better... he deserved a daddy who truly cared about him and who loved him... not someone who was obviously just putting on a big fat act!

I feel sorry for his next target.. the next girl who will fall for that charm he puts on until you're married.. I'm a Lucky girl to have gotten out of that abusive marriage.

For those of you needing to know the signs of abuse here they are.. I realized I was living them before I was hospitalized and knew before Jake had ever passed away that I would not be returning home to live with my husband...

No one benefits from staying in an abusive relationship.  If you or someone you know is in a relationship that shows the signs of abuse listed below.. I urge you to seek help and get out.  Luckily I had a safe refuge, some don't but there are crisis shelters in most towns.. if you are in east Texas, here is a link to the crisis center.  http://www.etcc.org

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings	Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Do you: feel afraid of your partner much of the time? avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner? feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner? believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated? wonder if you’re the one who is crazy? feel emotionally numb or helpless?	Does your partner: humiliate or yell at you? criticize you and put you down? treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see? ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments? blame you for their own abusive behavior? see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats	Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner: have a bad and unpredictable temper? hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?  threaten to take your children away or harm them? threaten to commit suicide if you leave? force you to have sex? destroy your belongings?	Does your partner: act excessively jealous and possessive? control where you go or what you do? keep you from seeing your friends or family? limit your access to money, the phone, or the car? constantly check up on you?

What my choice of music says about me:

I really wanted to do something today for this blog out of my recent ordinary.. do something happy.. so here is the results of a quiz I took on blogthings about what my taste in music says about me:

Your Taste in Music Says You're Cheerful

Your musical tastes are upbeat and conventional. 

You are an easy going, optimistic person.

Family and friends are very important to you.

You enjoy caring for and helping other people.

You thrive in a tranquil environment, and you do your best to keep things peaceful.

You enjoy your life. You have your priorities straight.

Happy Thursday Night!

Good Moments

Today, I had the opportunity to babysit my niece while my sister & brother in- law were working and my mother was awaiting my grandmother to be moved into the ICU after knee replacement surgery. Besides the fact that the wind was blowing approx. 20 miles per hour, it was a beautiful day... so I took Payton and Adleigh outside to play.  Payton rode his bicycle ... the kids and I checked the mail... then I found a lawn chair & watched them play. At one point in time I look up to see Adleigh and Payton sitting in the beds of his big yellow Tonka dump trucks and rolling down a small incline in our driveway. It was so very cute,  then they had to top it.. Adleigh sat in Payton's lap and they rolled again. It was so great to see pure joy and innocence on their faces. I wish I had a picture.  I love seeing the babies I love(no matter how big, since their almost 3 & 6) happy.

Today was a good day. I'm happy for good days now. :)

Momma loves you Payton <3

Kekee loves you Adleigh Bear <3

And of course momma loves Jake too <3

For Parents who've lost a child

I found this poem yesterday on a site that is dedicated to grieving parents.  It is so very sweet and touching, yet heartbreaking as well.  I hope you smile and think of your sweet angel in Heaven like I did.

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown

To read my blog devoted to my son and other mothers who have angels in Heaven please go to this link
http://www.stillloved.blogspot.com

My Journey Part 2: Grief & funeral planning

Jacob was born on Friday night. My family and I loved him and snuggled with him until about 12:30 am. Then I had to release him to the care of the nurses for the night and be separated from him for the first time ever. I was taken to another floor of the hospital and he stayed.  I was still restricted to my bed, this time due to the excessive amount of meds I needed in my epidural to keep me comfortable. I was told that for the first three hours, I would be woken every hour to have my vitals checked... then I would be checked once a shift.  After the nurse checked my vitals the first time ..  my family and I opened the box the nurses had prepared for me upstairs and placed on my bed before sending me downstairs. In it were photos the nurses had taken of my precious tiny Angel Jake, a tape measure, the nursery arm bands Jake & I never wore, a poem and perhaps what has helped the most a tiny stuffed lamb  the receiving blanket Jake had been placed in after he was born & the hat that matched his sleeper that his Mimi & papa had placed on his head, so lovingly while they dressed him. After crying over all the memories I would have of my angel, my parents left for their hotel room (my mother had been by my side and awake for 48 hours straight)  and I was left alone.

      I laid in my bed and bawled & prayed and tried to sleep. I found myself waking up in the middle of the night and just crying uncontrollably.  I found a small amount of comfort in holding the lamb the nurses had placed in my box. I placed Jake's hat on its head and wrapped it in his blanket... it smelled like him and helped me feel close to him. Around 5am I gave up all hope of sleep after the lab came to draw blood and I had done more crying. The planner side of me then came out and I began planning Jake's funeral. I searched the internet for the perfect music for his funeral. I chose Godspeed by the Dixie Chicks... which actually was my mother's song to Payton. (We borrowed it for Jake), Heaven Song by Phil Wickham... it seemed fitting I know Jake is running all over the green pastures in Heaven :), and Safe and Sound by Matthew West. My baby boy may not be here with me but he is safe and sound with the Lord.  I sought the perfect floral arrangements for his tiny casket and wasn't satisfied with what I found. My baby boy was more special than the generic infant casket sprays. I decided I was going to buy special ribbon to weave into his flowers that had a boy print and looked "babyish". I even began searching for the dress I would wear to my tiny sons funeral. Every single decision made this more and more real... I couldn't believe I was having to do any of these things. 

 

    I attempted to sleep and waited for what I thought was a more suitable time for me to call my nurse and have them bring me my angel. As I sat and waited the grueling hours i thought.. I'd never be able to rock my baby boy, experience his tiny fingers wrapping around my finger.. see his tiny lips curl in a smile or even hear him cry. I turned to music.. I turned on KLOVE and tried to relax. I unplugged my IV pole and slowly took myself across the room to the closest thing I had to a rocking chair and sat and waited. I thought I was ready to see my baby again but, Once the nurse admin. Lady finally got to my room and began asking me if I knew he was tiny and if I'd already seen him, I started to waiver. I kept telling her I had and I was fine. She just stood there staring at me, almost as if she was trying to protect me. She then took the blanket off the top of the bassinet and got out my angel, whom they had wrapped in a towel inside a blanket. This seemed so overly harsh and sterile. I began to sob and so did the nurse...  after a little while she left me.  All alone with Jacob and my thoughts I sat in the chair, afraid to move too quick, afraid that I would somehow hurt him. I could only concentrate on trying not to move to fast to enjoy the last little bit of time with my angel boy.  I was so afraid I would somehow hurt him that I layed him Back in his bassinet... then set the bassinet on my bed. My heart was breaking in two knowing that I'd be released from the hospital the next day and I would never be able to see my baby on earth again. The funeral home was traveling from our hometown to Houston to pick him up that morning. My family came back to visit me and together we kissed Jake, said our goodbyes and I Love You's and sent his tiny body back with the nurse who had brought him to me.

    The next afternoon around 1 pm I was released from the hospital and had to go home with my new reality. The reality that instead of leaving the hospital with the sweet baby that had lived happily inside me for 24 weeks, I would leave with a box and a broken heart.  I tried to be strong since I had  a little boy to take care of,  whom I hadn't seen in three weeks.  A little boy who didn't understand he'd never meet his baby brother, they'd never run and play together in the yard.  I was faced with with many questions from my five year old and there were not many answers for him...

   I'll continue my blog as I  journey through grief and losing a child, by far the hardest ongoing event in my life to this date.

To read my blog devoted to my son and other mothers who have angels in Heaven please go to this link
http://www.stillloved.blogspot.com

My Journey to Loss - Part 1

January 22nd I started the hardest journey of my life. I woke up about 5:30am, after having the chills and what felt like a fever all night.  I kissed my husband goodbye, since he had to be at work at 6:30 that morning... went and sat on the couch and noticed that all wasn't right.  We had company over so I just tried relaxing on the couch since I had been placed on complete bed rest. About 8:15 or 8:30 I began noticing a sensation I hadn't before. My water had broken.  I called my mother and my husband and let them know I was going to the emergency room.  After that I told my company I had to leave, and they so kindly packed all of their things and drove me the 50+ miles to the closest hospital. 

     Upon arrival, my worst fears were confirmed... my water had broken at 21 weeks and the prognosis was not good.  The on call doctor told me I had two options, option a.) sit and wait for my body to go into labor or b.) be transferred to another hospital that would induce labor and all would be over, I would lose my sweet baby boy.  The doctor then ordered an ultrasound, where they determined Jacob measured 22 weeks and 2 days.  After my doctor had that info she came to me with another option, she told me if I would like, they would admit me to their hospital, treat me for the  raging infection they determined I had, and watch for signs of labor or distress in the baby, and see if they could keep me pregnant long enough to be transferred to another hospital closer to the age of viability at 23 weeks.  I chose to be admitted and treated for the infection, contrary to the opinions and beliefs of everyone around me... excluding MY  family.  I wasn't going to give up hope in my baby boy and in the Almighty Lord who can do anything.  Jake and I made it through the first night, and in the morning my doctor came in and said I was her miracle patient, she expected to get a call about me over night.  After two additional sonograms each Sunday following being admitted it was determined that Jake had no significant amount of water around him.  Heartbroken, we kept pressing on and fighting hard towards that 23 week mark all the while being on complete bed rest, unable to get up for anything.  Sunday morning the 5th, I was given my promised dose of steroid via a shot to the hip,to begin rapidly helping to develop Jake's lungs.

       Monday morning February 6th, we had finally made it, we were supposed to be transferred to another hospital... my doctor came in just amazed that we had come that far.  I was given the booster steroid shot to help develop Jake's lungs and after speaking to hospitals all day long, my doctor found  a hospital that would accept me, and that wasn't too big of a risk for the baby and I to travel to. 

      The next morning at 7:30am, the nurses and CNA's came rushing into my room saying plans had changed and the helicopter would be at the hospital to pick me up in 45 minutes and we had to hurry and get ready to leave.  The flight paramedic  and nurse arrived in my room about 8:20 with the gurney and all of the gear necessary to whisk me away to my new home away from home.  After  having a very painful IV placed into my hand we were ready to fly.  Hospital security met us at my door and we traveled down the maze of hospital corridors to the helipad on the roof, located the pilot and away we flew.  After a 30 minute flight we arrived at our new hospital with a level 3C NICU, that would be capable of taking care of Jacob should I go into labor early.  Upon arrival I answered at least 500 questions about my pregnancy and health history, then I was stuffed into a wheelchair and taken to have another sonogram.  The perinatologist determined that Jacob did have some water around him and fluid in his bladder... he said that Jake weighed 1 pound and 2 oz. I was extremely happy to know that he did have fluid and could possibly be practicing breathing. Little did I know this was the last time I would see my sweet Angel alive. When we arrived back in my room, I was hooked up to a monitor that kept track of Jake's heartbeat.  The nurses noticed many decelerations in Jake's heartbeat.  Every shift the nurses came in and monitored his heartbeat for twenty minutes.    

      Wednesday morning  I met doctor number 2, who had a very negative report for me and told me that it was possible that they could come to  monitor Jake and they could not find a heart beat.  I was happy though because my mom and 5 year old son Payton were driving four hours to come visit me. :)  We had a great visit, and they left to go home around 7.  The nurse hooked me up around 11 that night to the heart monitor, and Jake was still having a lot of decelerations. 

     Thursday morning, February 9th, the third doctor came and announced they were going to be putting me on Magnesium Sulfate to prevent damage to Jake's neuro-system, and that I would be feeling really bad.  However bad it made me feel though, I was willing to suffer through it in order to help my baby.  I phoned my mother and by the middle of the afternoon, she was back with me.  Several hours before she had arrived, they had come to check Jake's heartbeat and it was at a steady 135 beats per  minute.    After a full day of magnesium, the nurses came to monitor Jake's heartbeat, the nurse kept picking up mine and couldn't seem to find Jake's. The first nurse went and got another to see if she could find it.  The second nurse didn't find one either.  They then went and found the doctor, who brought the portable ultrasound machine in, and confirmed that there was no heartbeat and my sweet baby angel boy had passed away at 23 weeks and 4 days, so close to 24 weeks when his chances of survival were better..  Through my tears I tried to understand what had happened... what the plan was next. I was thinking I would need a c-section.. I was scared and miserable, overwhelmed...  After about 30 minutes the doctor came back and told me that they were going to let me sleep that night and then induce labor in the morning, and I would deliver Jacob.  I don't remember sleeping at all, although I had been given medicine to help me sleep. 

       Friday, the 10th, the nurses came in and gave me pills to start labor... these continued all through the day, every 3 hours, until about 6pm.  It was determined that although I'd been contracting all day semi-regularly I had hardly dilated or changed at all. The nurses presented me with paperwork and consent forms for the funeral home to pick up my baby and an autopsy - things to think about, whether or not I wanted to see or hold him, whether or not I wanted pictures made of him. It was so overwhelming and upsetting... no one thinks when they are having a baby that they'd ever have to make decisions like that.. and I wish no one had to. Later that night Pitocin was started and at 10:26 pm, February 10th, 2012,  my sweet Angel Jacob Austin was born.  He was so tiny and perfect.  I did decide not to have an autopsy done on my angel, couldn't bear to think of that, and I did decide to have photos made and to hold him.  It was the best decision I could've made.  I see his sweet face in my mind and smile... he was so tiny and fragile, yet so much mine.. I counted his tiny fingers and looked at his sweet feet and couldn't help but smile.  It was hard to believe that these tiny feet were wiggling the day before inside me, and today they were in my arms and completely, scarily, sadly still. 

    The nurses took him to the room next door, gave him a bath, then my parents dressed him in the only outfit they could find that would fit his 1 lb 2.5oz ,11 1/2 inches long body, a "water baby" doll sleeper. : ) The great nurses took great care in providing me something I could hold onto... despite the fact I wouldn't be leaving the hospital with my baby boy.  They stamped his tiny feet and hands onto his birth certificate and also took his tiny hands and feet and made a replica of them into a porcelain mold so that I would forever have something to touch.  I was so incredibly grateful.   Two days later I was released from the hospital.. and started the second part of my journey... Grief.  This will be the second half of my blog another day.

If you've lost your baby I feel your pain, and my heart is breaking for you, I read other mother's stories of loss and just cry... I hate that anyone has this happen.  I hope you have a strong system of support like I do in my family and rely on the Lord to help give you strength and the comfort you need so very badly.

To read my blog devoted to my son and other mothers who have angels in Heaven please go to this link
http://www.stillloved.blogspot.com